


And then we grew a little

by GrapeJellyfish



Category: Gravitation
Genre: Angst, Introspection, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3900688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrapeJellyfish/pseuds/GrapeJellyfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So now I think that I could<br/>Love you back<br/>And I hope it's not too late cause you're so attractive<br/>And the way you move<br/>I won't close my eyes</p>
            </blockquote>





	And then we grew a little

I lay on the floor of my room  
Empty  
Nothing that it’s new.  
It's always been that way.  
Me, lying here in the darkness, staring at that same old ceiling that’s become so familiar I’ve almost surely committed it to memory. Trying to hold all the pieces of myself together, I think that I've lost some, but I can’t be bothered to look. One's under the bed, I know that much, I can't move to collect it though. It's like that weight I've been living with has finally won. Pressing every last inch of my body flat towards the ground. Creating an indent of myself in the plush carpet under my arms. Maybe this time getting up will actually be impossible. 

They tell me I'm a god, or something of that sort. Nobody should be held to the equivalent of something that strong. I can feel those expectations too, pushing me further into the floor, I’m sure, this time, I wont be getting up. People praise me for my talent when in all reality, it's only my voice that they love. And i'm fine with that, really, being a voice is easier than being whole.

I turn my head to look out the window, it’s light is casting dull shadows across the bedroom floor from high street lights, reflecting off cars in the city below.  
Laying here, in the dark, silence all around me, I can finally let my face fall. The one that’s been, practiced for millions of fans, crafted to be exactly what they want it to be, exactly what they are expecting. “Nobody wants a rock star who can think.”  
When all the lights are down, the voices faded away, and the microphone shuts off. Then it's just me, and the world, and the sky. Rotating and shifting. I don't have to worry this way. Being perfect, being an idol, none of these things matter when the looking glass has been turned sideways. If only it would stay like this.  
I am no idol, I am no god. I'm as imperfect as anyone could be. I'm human.  
All those people, the fans, the admirers, the producers, and directors. They only see what they want me to be, I’m an idol built on expectations with nothing but my voice to come by. And when the attention is finally over, I'm left here, holding myself together because nobody else will. It’s no mistake, and I know I could be stronger, but this is easier, and for some reason I still feel like the 16 year old boy with stars in his eyes, who caught his first big break.

The silence is deafening and I wish so loudly it surprises me that nobody hears. I wish I could let go of this persona, for good. So that finally all of those pieces could fall across the floor like marbles. Nobody needs to know. Being broken was never part of the deal. A contract doesn't care whether you're a half or a whole, just as long as you meet it’s deadline.  
I open my mouth and begin to sing. Sing as I unravel. My voice, pulling apart the stitches at my sides with each lilt and melody. There's nothing left now. I'm exactly as a should be. A mirror.

The door clicks and I hear footsteps across the floorboards. I wonder briefly before dismissing it. It's alright, the door is closed and nobody knows that I'm here. In the next room a light goes on and my gaze is pulled to the crack under my door. Tohma has dinner with his family, Noriko is in America. Nobody's here so why is the light on?  
I hear the footsteps again, passing across my living room floor, into the kitchen. They stop. I don't recognise them. They're lighter, smoother. Whoever this is, is younger. Only a teenager would stride so carelessly.  
The steps resume and draw nearer until I hear a hand on the doorknob only meters from my place here on the floor.  
I watch the knob turn lazily. It doesn’t really matter, I'm not expecting anyone so they shouldn't be expecting me. I’ll just stay here.  
A small crack of light unravels across the carpet as a pair of feet appear in my peripherals.  
"Sakuma-San" a voice breathes before hurried footsteps guide the visitor over. I finally get a look as a concerned face leans over me. Hair jet black, worried eyes. It's Tatsuha, Yukis brother.  
"Oh" I mutter, taking in the boy now leaning cautiously over me, panic slowly filling his eyes as he registers my unresponsive state. "You're Shuu-chan’s friend." I ramble. I don't really care. He can see what he wants to see right now. He wasn't supposed to be here.  
"Sakuma-San what happened? Are you alright?" The younger boy’s eyes dart around the room quickly, sweeping it for any indicator of distress, there is none. I notice he has his hair pulled back, he probably brought the motorcycle. The rosary around his neck catches in the light, as if telling me off for watching him so carefully.  
"I'm fine." I murmur absently, my voice sounds melodic but i'm not singing right now. Pulling my eyes from him and turning my gaze back to the window, I can feel Tatsuha shift uncomfortably and settle with sitting beside me.  
I feel a hand gently feather across my chest. It's warm. People are warm. "Why are you laying here like this?" Tatsuha's voice is cautious, slow, deeper than I remember, but it may just be the tone.  
I shrug in response. "I can do whatever I want when I'm not working." I turn my head back to look at him, pulling up the part of myself that seems sincere. "Who gave you the keys to my apartment?"  
Tatsuha's hand lifts slightly. It's much cooler without it there and I can feel the chilled air seep back into my skin. "T-uh," he clears his throat "Tohma gave it to me... He uh, wanted me to bring a song sample to you when it was done recording?..." He’s nervous. Although I don't really know why.  
I look down at his other hand, the one that isn't hovering nervously over my chest. A black USB is clutched in stiff fingers, turning white from pressure.  
I hum and return my gaze to Tatsuha's face. He's beautiful. Although I'd never say it out loud. I want to touch him.  
Tatsuha fumbles with his words for a moment before finally getting a sentence out. "Uh but I wasn't sure if I should give it to you in person… but… so I thought that I'd, uhm..."  
"Okay" I interrupt.  
"A-sorry?" Tatsuha stammers, looking slightly overwhelmed.  
"Okay, thanks for bringing it to me." I return. Heaving my heavy body off of the ground and breaking the stitches I had sewn so hopefully down. Everything feels as if it's coated in tar. Even the air. Except Tatsuha... He isn't.  
I force a smile. It's practiced and believable, just like it should be. "You can tell Tohma I got it then" I lean forward to take the usb when Tatsuha's hand jerks away from me. Our fingers barely missing.  
I look up, his steely eyes meeting mine, reflecting something I can't quite place behind their breathtaking colour. Whatever's there, I want to know, if only as an excuse to stare into them longer.  
God, he's gorgeous.  
I find myself biting my bottom lip, reigning myself back from pouring everything I have out. Letting go in hopes it would be him who would catch all those pieces for me.  
"There's something..." He trails off slightly as I tune back into whatever it was he’s saying. "You don't seem okay.." He looks concerned and I just wish I could tell him. For once I just wish I could be myself and tell him everything.  
But that's not what I'm supposed to be. And for some reason I can’t drop the facade.  
I swallow hard and shake my head, tilting it slightly to the side with a cloying smile. "I'm not sure what you mean, ne?"  
For a moment I think I see anger flash in those beautiful eyes as Tatsuha shifts slightly from his position on the floor beside me, his grip tightening, again, on that usb.  
I press forward anyway, "But you, is there something wrong with Tatsuha-kun?" I blink, eyes wide like they're supposed to be. Being transparent is the easiest disguise.  
He lets out a low him before speaking to me, "Why do you always do that?" Tatsuha's voice is quiet, careful and controlled... and genuine. Not like mine.  
I pull my face into a frown. "What do you mean, nani?"  
"That." He's staring past me now, and I want so bad for him to stop and look at me again.  
'Tatsuha.' I want to shake him. 'Please! Please look at me.'  
It's almost as if he hears me because his eyes are back on mine in a second.  
"When you're speaking. You act like a child. And I know that's not-" He looks... Hurt? “I mean, I know that’s not really who you are Ryu. So why do you do that?”  
I contort my face into one of false confusion as he continues.  
"Sometimes. Like just now... Before you did, this." Tatsuha gestures at me limply. "Whatever this is" he adds under his breath. "I think I see the real you. Like, someone genuine" He's staring at me again and it's so intense I feel as if I'm going to drown. "The you without all this pretence and acting. You know I don't believe that." His face is set into a frown now and I know I can’t respond the way that I have been.  
He looks so sincere, so worried and passionate that I think I want to shake him, or kiss him, or cry.  
"You're not an idiot, or a child Sakuma-San. So why do you always pretend to be?" His hand is on mine now, the one I didn't notice was shaking as he spoke. He's holding my hand and it's steady. I feel like his warmth is spreading through me from that single touch and my heart is going to overflow. It's never been this warm before.  
I bite my bottom lip again, hard.  
God, he's so perfect.  
Why does he have to be so perfect?  
He reaches out with his other hand now. It left the usb behind somewhere but I can still see the little imprints it left on his fingers as they reach in to lightly trace the side of my face, his thumb trailing down my cheek.  
I'm breaking.  
Staring into those eyes, I can feel myself breaking.  
And I want to.  
My lips are dry and when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out.  
When I finally have something to say, nothing comes out.  
It’s ironic.  
I close my mouth and look down again. I can't look at him. I don’t really want to look at him. Because I can't drag him into whatever this swirling mess I've made my life into. I can't do this to him because I know he deserves better so, so much...  
"Ryu" he sounds sad. So defeated. His hand is still on my face, as fingers slip down to my chin, tracing my jawline before tilting my head up to meet his entrancing eyes again.  
Part of me can't blame myself for having nothing to say. He stole my breath a long, long, time ago. So all those words that should have poured out had no voice to control them.  
"It's just me, you know. I mean-" He’s looking down now. Not out of embarrassment but I think that it's shame. "I'm not really anyone... But.. You know. I mean-"  
And I want to grab his shoulders and shake him. 'Not really anyone?!? Of course you're not anyone! You're better than that.’ I want to shake him and scream because he's so much more. How could he not see?  
"It's not like I'm going to tell anyone. Or..." He sighs and this time it's defeated. It's like someone pulled out all the air from him and he's falling apart too now. And I can't watch that happen. Not to him.  
"Never mind"  
"Tatsuha..." I've found my words now but they're shaky when I try to use them. I reach out and my hand meets his arm, sliding down it loosely. This is much more than I should be doing. Tohma warned me, but I know but I can't really stop. "You're not ‘just anyone’"  
He raises his eyes again to look at me. His expression echoing the look I expected. His eyes are wide and the quick inhale on his lips tells me he wasn’t expecting such a genuine reply.  
"You're more important than ‘just anyone’." I repeat. My voice coming easier now. Still careful.  
Tatsuha watches me closely, and I can feel the weight of his expectation pressing in on me.  
But I don't mind.  
This weight is different from the overbearing contracts and producers. The security and directors telling me who to be and what to think.  
This is Tatsuha, and whatever it is he wants from me, I don't really mind it much. "Don't say that about yourself because you are so much more" I watch as a bit of his heaviness lifts.  
Blinking several times, Tatsuha stares at me wearing an expression somewhere between shocked and excited.  
I lick my lips and look down again. Unable to keep up the exhausting eye contact.  
"Ryu-" his words come out in more of a breath than an actual statement, laced with worry? Relief? Maybe both... But more genuine.  
I feel him shift beside me again and his knee brushes mine. I pull away, but only slightly, keeping my eyes trained on the poorly lit flooring.  
"Ryu"  
It's my name again but spoken this time, it sounds purposeful and I look up.  
Tatsuha's face is closer than I expected and I jerk back in surprise, feeling the cold press of glass against my back as I close the small inch of space I had between myself and it. Tatsuha's face is so close, and I can smell the cheap cologne on his skin. It smells like musk and some kind of spice, it's intoxicating... Or maybe that's just the proximity.  
We're staring at each other, nearly nose to nose and it feels like some kind of face off. I can't bring myself to pull my gaze away but whatever inside me is starting to break again and he can't be here when it does.  
I want to weave my arms around his shoulders, play with the streetlights dancing in his hair. Tohma told me not to, to stay away and leave Tatshua alone. He would be so mad right now.  
I manage to pull in a slow, shaky breath and I notice my heart is pulsing in my ears. Whatever that rushing sound is, is getting louder and his smell is getting stronger. I'm drowning in him. he's too close and I'm drowning in those alluring brown eyes and pitch black hair, it's catching starlight and the galaxies between us are swirling and making me dizzy. I feel like my head is going to spin off of my neck.  
I can feel his heat so near me and it's almost like he's pressed against me and we're kissing. My hands tangled in his dark, dark hair, How did they get there? His fingers trailing down my back. And it's everything I imagined it would be And more because I can't remember where I am, or what time it is or was, or why, because all there is left is Tatsuha and I don't want to try to think my way out of this one now.  
But as soon as it starts, it's over. And his forehead is pressed against mine, both our chests heaving, and the glass at my back is cooler than I remember.  
I lick my lips again, but this time not because they're dry.  
We're both staring at each other, the silence in my room growing long and anticipated. I don't want to speak.  
I don’t think he does either.  
Neither of us want to ruin this and speak.  
"Ryu. Can you make me a promise?" He’s breaking the silence but it seem okay.  
I close my mouth and draw it into a thin line, shifting my head as if it ask what it is. My words are gone again. Which, for a singer, is nearly laughable.  
"Stop lying to me. You don't deserve this." He responds steadily.  
I swallow a nod and opt for a vague hum.  
There’s something very warm in my chest, and it’s starting to spread, making my fingers and toes all tingy. It’s pulling at the corners of my mouth and I have to fight to keep it down.  
“Ryu…” Tatsuha’s eyes are full of unsteadiness as he breaks the silence for a second time. Unsteadiness and what looks like nerves. “Can I see you again?”  
The smile on my mouth breaks through this time and his hand is on my cheek now, and for the first time I realize that I've been crying but it’s a good thing, because i think that he is too.

**Author's Note:**

> Summary by the Lumineers ft. Flowers in Your Hair
> 
> Be in my eyes  
> Be in my heart  
> Be in my eyes ai yai yai  
> Be in my heart


End file.
